A New Kind of Christmas

Christmas is different this year... or maybe it's me that's different.  I think this was the first year since I can remember that it was actually hard to think of things to put on my Christmas list.
It's really not about gifts, is it?
Even if you don't have faith and you don't believe that it's a celebration of the Lord's birth (IT IS THOUGH), it still shouldn't be about gifts.

Sometimes December gets so stressful.
Buy the right gifts last minute, work through finals, fight a winter cold.
For me this year finals were pretty bad. I picked up double my normal work hours, came down with bronchitis, ran out of money, and struggled with car problems.  In the midst of it all I am guilty to say I got caught up in the bad.  I found myself thinking this is the worst time of the year, but it's really not!

So what's it about?
Why are we letting ourselves get so stressed this time of the year (or maybe it's just me...)?
Seriously, take that struggle as a blessing.  How good does it feel to be done with school and done with all of that and knowing that this weekend will bring family, friends, laughter, food, a warm home, MAYBE SNOW?

Christmas is truly an amazing time.  I get to be around all the people that I love more than anything and just relax.  After going, going, going for weeks I finally get to sit back and enjoy the little things.
Eggnog, logs in the fireplace, warm blankets, Packer game, amazing meals, good conversation.
Why do presents get to play a role at all?! To me that is so not fair that it takes away from the appreciation of the truly good stuff. But I suppose it is fun to give and watch eyes light up.

Here's a taste of my Christmas:

caught in a wasted state of mind

Sometimes it's scary up there in your own head.

Who am I? What do I want? Where am I going? Why do I feel this way? What is right for me?  What's right for everyone else around me? Am I making the right decisions? 

I'm a thinker.  An emotional soul.
No part of my heart or brain let's me sneak past anything without deep thought and consideration. 
I analyze my own thoughts and every thought that is given to me from others. 
Maybe that complicates my life, but maybe it makes it more beautiful (there I go analyzing). 

It's pretty jumbled in my head...
Sometimes I wish I could let someone else take a look.  Lots of words.  Some tears, some smiles.  Feelings.  Thoughts. QUESTIONS.
Is there a right way to sort it all out?  Or am I supposed to just let it be?
Do I leave my questions unanswered and just go with it?  Is everyone else as jumbled as I am, they just don't let it bother them?

Maybe I just need to learn to ride the wave and calm down.
Let go, Jump in.

 

Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on.

"Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands.
Good news will work its way to all them plans"


Too many times when things aren't going my way the world seems like it's tumbling down.  
There are too many reasons to be happy for me to be brought down by a couple small things.  I have it REALLY good.  
It'll all float on anyway.

Give thanks backwards.

I am thankful for the disgusting static of my iPod radio connecter in my car because the rare moments where the music is clear are so great.
I am thankful that I have dear loved ones living far from me right now because I have been taught to truly appreciate the moments that I do get to share with them.
I am thankful that at my house in Milwaukee I have to pay 75 cents to dry my clothes multiple times in a dryer that barely works because when I come home to Mequon laundry is dry for free. Some people don't get to do laundry.
I am thankful that money is tight because I have been taught to spend wisely and not throw my money at things that don't matter.
I am thankful for how awful Nickleback is because they help me remember what good music is.
I am thankful for smelly socks because they still keep my feet warm.  Without smelly socks, shoes would be even smellier.
I am thankful for nights of little sleep because that is when the best memories seem to be made. Without them, morning coffee would not be as delicious.
I am thankful for heartache and sadness because it means that you care about someone/something.  Love is important.
I am thankful for red battery on my phone because I don't need to constantly have my nose in my phone. I need to enjoy what's really happening around me.
I am thankful that my Grandmother is being cared for in a nursing home because the moments that we enjoy with her when we visit are moments that I will never forget.
I am thankful to be living on my own and not leaning on my parents because I have a new appreciation for everything they have ever done for me.
I am thankful for the things in my life that I don't understand because they teach me to trust.  They teach me to lean not on my own understanding.

If you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.

To say that I am thankful for everything I have would be an understatement.
For the first time in a long time, I don't feel like running.
I don't feel like I need to flee to another state to find whatever it is that I am looking for.
It is everywhere I am and everywhere I go and everywhere that I will be.

I feel happy.


With that, I still have hard days.  I still wonder 'what if?'
But I am content. I am inspired. I have great friends and great opportunities.  I am extremely blessed to have wonderful jobs and a good education.  My family and friends are for the most part close by.
I feel extremely blessed and thankful to have made it to where I am right now at 7:59 AM on Wednesday, November 23rd.

Good things are to come.

words

Never underestimate the power of your words.  They are a true representation of you and of your heart.

When I take a look at myself, I am disappointed to say that too many times I have said things that I didn't mean. There have been too many times when I've spoken too quickly, not realizing the effect of my words on myself and on others around me.
Too many times have I spilled the wrong words
negative words
false words.

Lately, as I try to better myself, I am focusing on my words.  Far too often, we (or I) seem to forget what lies in a word.
Your words could change someone else's mood, their day, their year, their life.
Do you want to uplift them or tear them down?
Words are truly heavy.

Think about how words form who you are.
Sure, "actions speak louder than words" and "talk is cheap."  But I don't believe that this is always true.  As anything else (the way you carry yourself, your gestures, actions to others), words represent who you are. When you give yourself to someone else in any relationship, you give them your words.






"Words are the voice of the heart." -Confucious
          He's got some pretty viable words, right?

Cycling Trivialities

Discomfort

Sadness

Anger

Anxiety

Disappointment

For my whole life when any negative emotion crossed my heart I automatically searched for a way out.  I thought...

"Okay, how can I cover this up?"

"How can I erase this?"

"Who or what will make me feel better?"

"How can I forget?"

Just now, twenty years later, I am finally realizing that this is no way to approach these emotions.

I sit here with a heavy heart. 
I'm going through a lot right now... I'm sure you are too. 
There's this feeling I get...my exhales are shaky.  My shoulders are heavy.  I just want to dump it all out of my mind and my thoughts; I want to find any possible way out.
After all, we're human. We just want to be happy.

Finally, I've realized that the only way to defeat these sorts of emotions is to face them head on.
You've got to conjure up the courage in your heart to overcome them.
You can find solace in what someone else says or in ignorance. 
You can feel happy by forgetting.
You can even pretend like these feelings never existed in the first place.
But I promise you, this will only come back to bite you.  This will only temporarily soothe.

Dig deep inside yourself and remember you can.

endless destination

This morning I received an email from my brother asking me what I want to do next year.  Here's part of my reply...

"I think about this a lot.  I've come a long way since last year.  For the first time in my life, I'm sort of drawing a line between my search for happiness and making the best of what's around.  Lately I've been actively trying to pick out the positives of every situation, since I wasn't so good at that last year.  It's all too easy to drown yourself in what's hard and what brings you down.  I wasn't "happy" in California because I missed home.  It was "too expensive" so I ran back here as fast as I could without giving it time or enough rational thought--the price of being on campus at CUI is almost equal to what I pay for rent, school, food, etc here.  I definitely don't regret what I did because I learned a lot from that transition back to Milwaukee and from being out there even in the short time that I was; plus I'm enjoying my time here right now (for the most part).  But for the longest time I thought I needed to GET OUT.  I looked at the situation in a way that I'm "stuck" in my hometown and it's such a terrible place to be when really it's not.  Now I'm starting to realize that I'm not going to find myself on a chase around the country or around the world, but I have to find myself in my own head.  That's really scary because in all reality it would be easier running around chasing something I'm not sure of or chasing "happiness" rather than sitting down and sorting out my thoughts and insecurities about who I am/where I'm going. 

With all that said, I still want to travel.  The world is such a huge place that I really have little to no knowledge about.  I want to be immersed in other cultures, I want to experience more people, GROW MORE into myself. However, I have truly grown just these past few months--I can already see it.  There are new people and new situations to experience wherever you are, so I'm trying to soak that up in Milwaukee and enjoying some of the old friendships that are around as well."

Rather than looking at this in a way that I'm not sure what life will bring next and being scared about it or nervous, I think it's quite beautiful.  The possibilities are endless, and the world is mine.  Bring it on!


The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The days get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's about.
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud. 


Every. Single. Word.
Where next?

FOLD

I've come a long way to just fold back into line
Keep both feet on the ground
While I change wings


How do we know what's coming?
How do we know which direction to take?
What choice is the best and which is the wrong choice?
It's a leap of faith.
Whether you are a Christian, Catholic, Jewish, Agnostic, Athiest, each choice that you make is a leap of faith.
There really isn't a clear direction to take with our choices and that can be really scary sometimes.
Let it be.
Each choice you make may bring you sorrow or joy, but you'll learn either way.  Every step you've taken to now has made you smarter, stronger, better.

appreciate

Life isn't usually easy.  Of course at the age of 20, everything seems like it's the end of the world.  Money is tight, school is tough, friendships are elastic, and identity is chased.

Although it can be a rocky road, life is BEAUTIFUL.  Sure you have to let things go sometimes, sure you get in arguments, sure you cry.  You'll get angry, you'll be upset.  Things will go sour faster than you can snap your fingers.  But honestly, what is a good moment worth without these moments?  If life was easy, if everything were perfect all the time... who would you be?  Would your relationships be as strong as they are?  Would you be as courageous as you've learned to be?  Would your smiles mean as much to you as they do now?
I could easily spend my day wrapped up in scary things, sad things, upsetting things.  I could let it eat me up, after all it's much easier letting anxiety consume you than it is to bite it back in the face.

Here's my wish for you:
I wish that you will stand up strong against your troubles, remembering that without them your happiness would be futile. Embrace the bad, for it only makes the good better.

a n e w

Where have all the good people gone? Were there even any in the first place?
I have such a sensitive soul that wants nothing but good.  When I am disappointed or when I know I let someone down that I care about, it truly eats away at me.  I let it fester in my head and do nothing but think, grovel, mourn, lose my appetite.  This is something I need to work on.

Let go and let God.

I am a human being and so is everyone else around me.  All I can do is make the best of every situation that I'm in and handle things the way that I know is right.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.




I'll be honest, I'm really struggling right now in a lot of aspects.
          Have I made all the right decisions that brought me to where I am now?  Should I have moved so suddenly?  I could have stayed in California.  I would have gotten to tell Paige that I loved her one last time, I would have been at the memorial.  My faith wouldn't be on such a rocky path--I'd be at SHOUT every Thursday brought to tears by the presence of God in my heart.  My grades would have remained a whole lot higher... they've dipped harshly since coming back to Milwaukee.  The people who supported me so greatly while I was there would still be close to me, there wouldn't be the pain of missing them.
          But why do that to myself?  If I would have stayed, I would have wondered similar things about "what if I had moved back to Milwaukee?"  I have learned so much since making the transition.  I am financially more stable and responsible, I am TRYING to be a better student, I have a handful of great friends here, and I am learning to be more independent than ever--learning to be confident alone with my thoughts.  I am learning that faith isn't always strong, it is a constant struggle.  It is a walk with God that fluctuates and changes, one that helps me grow.




So let's end here...
Finding the positive isn't easy for any of us.  One thing I try to do everyday is remind myself of why my life is truly wonderful amongst all the pain and struggle...

I'm alive.
I can walk and my mind works just fine.
I have great family and friends.
I have clothes and a home and food.
I have passion and desire.

What do you have?

Private Thoughts

"Happiness [is] only real when shared." -Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild


I've been trying to find a balance for a while.  So many people come and go from my life like it's nothing and it definitely bothers me.  My soul has a deep yearning for caring and nurturing.  My heart is filled with love for the world around me, and I pour that into everything and everyone.  That makes it hard when someone blows it off or doesn't act the same- I'm talking about relationships and actions with everyone in my life. 

At this point in my life, I have matured vastly from the year before and want to make changes.  I want to surround myself with selfless people, better people.  I want to make better choices in my academics and the way I carry myself.  I want to make a more conscious effort to work on my known flaws and I want to be the best me that I can.

But most of all, I want to share that with someone who feels the same way that I do.  I'm done with games in relationships.  I'm done wasting my time on people I know I don't have feelings for. I am guilty of taking more than I should when I know I'm not interested.  I'm done trying to please people that should also be pleasing me but aren't, and I'm done putting myself down for caring.

I am the type to go for what I want and if it doesn't work out so be it.  How many people go through their lives wondering "what if..."? I refuse to be part of that population. Life is a journey, experience it.  What's a smile without some tears?

For christ's sake... if John Mayer would just take me on a date we wouldn't even have this problem.

I Don't Want To Be Alone But I Don't Want To Be Here

I was told my soul was old
Then why can't I understand it all
If my soul was really old
I wonder if I could change this world
Life has given me obstacles
Still I bite my tongue say it's wonderful
I'm just glad I'm still around
I'm even more glad when things are down

I want to get in my car and drive really far. 

If only I had more money.

But how much is money really worth anyways that it's going to stop me from having a memory?

I think I'm going to go drive now....

It's a Good Playlist When You Keep Driving

• Monte -Zee Avi
• The Only Living Boy in New York -Simon & Garfunkel
• Months -The Middle East
• Goodness -Page France
• Beach Baby -Bon Iver
• You're Going to Cry -La Sera
• Wait -Priory
• You're A Wolf -Sea Wolf

Sleep Paralysis

Sleep paralysis is the experience of waking up (usually form a dream) and feeling paralyzed, except for being able to breathe and move the eyes. The inability to move or speak can last from 30 seconds to three minutes and speech is difficult or almost impossible.  Hypnogogic hallucinations and sleep paralysis may occur together.

If you haven't experienced this, I don't think you can even imagine how absolutely terrifying it is to not be able to speak or move.  This is especially scary during sleep paralysis in which something in your dream is attempting to harm you or is harming you.

There are two major types of sleep paralysis: common (typical) also known as CSP and hallucinatory (hypnagogic) sleep paralysis known as HSP.        

Differences between CSP and HSP:

• CSP is common and universal, HSP is rare and seems to be geographically episodic.
• CSP is only unnerving for the sleeper but HSP is accompanied by a nightmare like hallucination.
• CSP is of relatively short duration where HSP can last as long as seven or eight minutes.

HSPs are usually a vision of a small creature that sits on the victims chest. The creature then either compresses the chest or attempts to strangulate the victim. Almost all attacks have been reported by people sleeping on their backs.

This is particularly what bothers me in all he research that I have done.  I have no doubt experienced CSP countless times, but the last two dreams I had in which I experienced sleep paralysis, I'm fairly certain it was HSP.




Here's one example of my terrifying dreams:

I am fairly restless as I try to fall asleep in my big bed.  My mind is racing and I can't seem to sleep.  There are noises in the kitchen and outside my window (of course everything sounds 10x louder when you're trying to sleep). It's about 2:30 a.m. when I finally fall asleep.  All of a sudden I'm starting to wake up.  I can open my eyes, but I cannot move any part of my body nor can I speak. 

What is going on?

There's a dark shadow across the room standing by my dresser.  My mind is racing.  

Why can't I move? 
What is in my room? 
What will it do to me? 

At this point I am absolutely terrified.  The shadow slowly moves towards me.  I open my mouth to scream as loud as I can and nothing comes out.  My eyes open wider and wider, tearing up with fright.  The figure reaches the bed and I still cannot make out its face.  Before I know it I am being repeatedly stabbed in the stomach.  My body is shaking. At this point I know I am dreaming because I feel no pain but I am still terrified.  I can't breathe.  I want to wake up. Please someone wake me up.  I want to wave my arms in the air, I want to fight back. My body is motionless without choice. The dark figure then pulls fire out of nowhere.  I know I am going to be lit on fire.  I can't breathe.  
Please
Wake
Up


Finally I awake from my dream desperately gasping for air. I am shaking and freezing cold.  My eyes remain wide open in the dark.  There is no way I will go back to sleep now...what if it happens again?
I should be relieved at this point to be awake, but I can't help but remain scared.  What if I'm not really awake and sleep paralysis is happening again?  What if this is part of the dream and it's only going to happen again? I pick up my phone to make a call. I cannot go back to sleep tonight.

Why Blog?

Sometimes I feel too overwhelmed to keep everything inside, but am not sure who to trust or who to talk to.  I want to keep a record or something of the sort on what I feel, what I think.  My opinions are constantly changing as I get older, especially now.  Come along with me on my confusing journey; I want to open up my heart.

Probably the biggest reason that I want to have this blog, however, is because I have been experiencing sleep paralysis for a while now and want to keep a journal of my dreams and try and track what is going on in my life when it occurs.  I hope to find an explanation for why it's bad some days and why it even happens at all.

Welcome to my world!