The Scary Realization That Most Of It Is For You

I'm not sure if you're still all there, but I know at least one finger is touching the right side of my beating chest. And I think that it always will be.

"You're the good things."
"Maybe that's just it... maybe we get a whole playlist."

You opened my closed mind and held close my heavy heart.
You were in my blood.

I don't think I've ever figured out how to clean myself of you.
But the truth is, I wouldn't ever want to.

I am still in love with August 2011 when our kiss stopped time.
With little self-control late that September evening when you grabbed my hair on the front porch.
     A walk to the lake and an arm around me put me in a place I had never been.
With a text message "I like you, you know"
     Something small felt so big.
With November 12th when you said you loved me for the first time.
With all the nights we both spent alone, our thoughts and words yet together.
     All the movies we watched apart at the same time.
With April 8th, 2012 when I kissed you again.
With May 25th when we held hands and shared chicken nuggets, mustard tiger.
    An ice cream cone painted on your stomach, you were truly mine.
With September when you thought 'friends' was better and left my heart  raw.
With November when I was back in your sweatshirt.
With December when I shared with you a Christmas gift and my bed on a regular basis.
With January 2013 when I picked you up from being with another girl.
     You said you loved me in passing.
With March when your house was still cold but I sat in my jacket soaking in the sound of your drums.
With June and July when most nights we were next to each other and most mornings we had pancakes.
With August with every last second.
And with Now.

Unrequited

The outline of your face in photos speaks well.
"How is your mom?"
My tongue spits sincerely;
but who lives behind?
I do miss you with fingers crossed.

It is when I need a period to finish my sentence
When 1:34 a.m. is too dark
When my evil wants to hear she is pure
There is a gap between "a good place" and the comfort of singularity
I unfold you and wrap you around my shivering parts.

It is too easy to water the weeds.
After all, it is nice to see green in the garden.

21

Dear 21,

I see you standing, feet planted firmly in the soil of perfect mistakes. I look at you, though, and I wonder how you got so tall. When did you become so strong? Your path to a smile is so much clearer.
I see your tears for 3 year old scrapes and bruises.
I see your ugly sob for 16 year old breakups.
I can feel your heart murmur for 20 year old lost chances,
empty promises,
and realizations that not everything
                               is what it seems.

But I did not see your strength until now.
Everyday you were growing, changing.
You were walking along a path to make your pain productivity.

I look at you standing, 21, and I see your wisdom.
I see your simple joys.
I see your laugh in tears
and your steps in weakness.

I am so glad I know you, 21.
I can't wait to stand behind you
        and watch you walk to 83.

Don't Say You Didn't Hear It From Me

It's such a bizarre feeling knowing that less than a year ago I was 'craigslisting' constantly.  I had applied for an Americorps position in Los Angeles, California and was overly confident of the outcome.  Literally an hour at the least was spent every single day browsing studio apartments in West Hollywood.  Every apartment I pictured myself in. A new city, a new start, new friends, a new job-I could see it all. I even saw the pictures I wanted to hang in the yellow kitchen, or the curtain I would put up next to my bed to block it from the sofa that I do not yet own.  During these moments I had this feeling in my stomach...like 'Oh shit, I'm terrified' but 'I WANT TO GO NOW.'  I had this indescribable feeling of excitement for a completely new adventure.  I could physically feel it in my body.  When I found out in early June that I would not be leaving for L.A. come September because I did not get the volunteer position, I was devastated.  However, slowly, small signs seemed to creep their way into my daily life showing me that was not the path for me.  Not getting to start a new journey was a journey all its own and I would not give up the time I have been here with new friends and new surroundings in my old city.

With that, I will say that I am currently on a new apartment search.  Come the end of this semester, I will be relocating (for real this time!).  My best friend/roommate and I have decided to put all of our  things in a truck and drive to Austin, Texas to start a new life.  The people I have told thus far have given me mixed reactions.  Some of my best friends are excited for me, some are not.  This is why I want to explain to you, my friends, my decision.

Moving away is not an 'escape' from the current life I live.  Moving away is not a search for something perfect.  Moving away is the start of a new chapter...not something I need to do, something I want to do.  I am 21 years old and it is time for me to see the world.  It's time to get into some trouble somewhere else.  Austin, Texas has probably the most life I've ever seen in a city.  There are creative people everywhere, and for that I am so so excited.  You could ask me "why?" and to be honest I don't have a picture perfect answer to that question.  My best response would really be "why not?"  It's wonderful to have that same feeling in my body...to be so excited for a new journey.

If I come back with a southern accent don't make fun of me.