appreciate

Life isn't usually easy.  Of course at the age of 20, everything seems like it's the end of the world.  Money is tight, school is tough, friendships are elastic, and identity is chased.

Although it can be a rocky road, life is BEAUTIFUL.  Sure you have to let things go sometimes, sure you get in arguments, sure you cry.  You'll get angry, you'll be upset.  Things will go sour faster than you can snap your fingers.  But honestly, what is a good moment worth without these moments?  If life was easy, if everything were perfect all the time... who would you be?  Would your relationships be as strong as they are?  Would you be as courageous as you've learned to be?  Would your smiles mean as much to you as they do now?
I could easily spend my day wrapped up in scary things, sad things, upsetting things.  I could let it eat me up, after all it's much easier letting anxiety consume you than it is to bite it back in the face.

Here's my wish for you:
I wish that you will stand up strong against your troubles, remembering that without them your happiness would be futile. Embrace the bad, for it only makes the good better.

a n e w

Where have all the good people gone? Were there even any in the first place?
I have such a sensitive soul that wants nothing but good.  When I am disappointed or when I know I let someone down that I care about, it truly eats away at me.  I let it fester in my head and do nothing but think, grovel, mourn, lose my appetite.  This is something I need to work on.

Let go and let God.

I am a human being and so is everyone else around me.  All I can do is make the best of every situation that I'm in and handle things the way that I know is right.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.




I'll be honest, I'm really struggling right now in a lot of aspects.
          Have I made all the right decisions that brought me to where I am now?  Should I have moved so suddenly?  I could have stayed in California.  I would have gotten to tell Paige that I loved her one last time, I would have been at the memorial.  My faith wouldn't be on such a rocky path--I'd be at SHOUT every Thursday brought to tears by the presence of God in my heart.  My grades would have remained a whole lot higher... they've dipped harshly since coming back to Milwaukee.  The people who supported me so greatly while I was there would still be close to me, there wouldn't be the pain of missing them.
          But why do that to myself?  If I would have stayed, I would have wondered similar things about "what if I had moved back to Milwaukee?"  I have learned so much since making the transition.  I am financially more stable and responsible, I am TRYING to be a better student, I have a handful of great friends here, and I am learning to be more independent than ever--learning to be confident alone with my thoughts.  I am learning that faith isn't always strong, it is a constant struggle.  It is a walk with God that fluctuates and changes, one that helps me grow.




So let's end here...
Finding the positive isn't easy for any of us.  One thing I try to do everyday is remind myself of why my life is truly wonderful amongst all the pain and struggle...

I'm alive.
I can walk and my mind works just fine.
I have great family and friends.
I have clothes and a home and food.
I have passion and desire.

What do you have?

Private Thoughts

"Happiness [is] only real when shared." -Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild


I've been trying to find a balance for a while.  So many people come and go from my life like it's nothing and it definitely bothers me.  My soul has a deep yearning for caring and nurturing.  My heart is filled with love for the world around me, and I pour that into everything and everyone.  That makes it hard when someone blows it off or doesn't act the same- I'm talking about relationships and actions with everyone in my life. 

At this point in my life, I have matured vastly from the year before and want to make changes.  I want to surround myself with selfless people, better people.  I want to make better choices in my academics and the way I carry myself.  I want to make a more conscious effort to work on my known flaws and I want to be the best me that I can.

But most of all, I want to share that with someone who feels the same way that I do.  I'm done with games in relationships.  I'm done wasting my time on people I know I don't have feelings for. I am guilty of taking more than I should when I know I'm not interested.  I'm done trying to please people that should also be pleasing me but aren't, and I'm done putting myself down for caring.

I am the type to go for what I want and if it doesn't work out so be it.  How many people go through their lives wondering "what if..."? I refuse to be part of that population. Life is a journey, experience it.  What's a smile without some tears?

For christ's sake... if John Mayer would just take me on a date we wouldn't even have this problem.

I Don't Want To Be Alone But I Don't Want To Be Here

I was told my soul was old
Then why can't I understand it all
If my soul was really old
I wonder if I could change this world
Life has given me obstacles
Still I bite my tongue say it's wonderful
I'm just glad I'm still around
I'm even more glad when things are down

I want to get in my car and drive really far. 

If only I had more money.

But how much is money really worth anyways that it's going to stop me from having a memory?

I think I'm going to go drive now....