Give thanks backwards.

I am thankful for the disgusting static of my iPod radio connecter in my car because the rare moments where the music is clear are so great.
I am thankful that I have dear loved ones living far from me right now because I have been taught to truly appreciate the moments that I do get to share with them.
I am thankful that at my house in Milwaukee I have to pay 75 cents to dry my clothes multiple times in a dryer that barely works because when I come home to Mequon laundry is dry for free. Some people don't get to do laundry.
I am thankful that money is tight because I have been taught to spend wisely and not throw my money at things that don't matter.
I am thankful for how awful Nickleback is because they help me remember what good music is.
I am thankful for smelly socks because they still keep my feet warm.  Without smelly socks, shoes would be even smellier.
I am thankful for nights of little sleep because that is when the best memories seem to be made. Without them, morning coffee would not be as delicious.
I am thankful for heartache and sadness because it means that you care about someone/something.  Love is important.
I am thankful for red battery on my phone because I don't need to constantly have my nose in my phone. I need to enjoy what's really happening around me.
I am thankful that my Grandmother is being cared for in a nursing home because the moments that we enjoy with her when we visit are moments that I will never forget.
I am thankful to be living on my own and not leaning on my parents because I have a new appreciation for everything they have ever done for me.
I am thankful for the things in my life that I don't understand because they teach me to trust.  They teach me to lean not on my own understanding.

If you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.

To say that I am thankful for everything I have would be an understatement.
For the first time in a long time, I don't feel like running.
I don't feel like I need to flee to another state to find whatever it is that I am looking for.
It is everywhere I am and everywhere I go and everywhere that I will be.

I feel happy.


With that, I still have hard days.  I still wonder 'what if?'
But I am content. I am inspired. I have great friends and great opportunities.  I am extremely blessed to have wonderful jobs and a good education.  My family and friends are for the most part close by.
I feel extremely blessed and thankful to have made it to where I am right now at 7:59 AM on Wednesday, November 23rd.

Good things are to come.

words

Never underestimate the power of your words.  They are a true representation of you and of your heart.

When I take a look at myself, I am disappointed to say that too many times I have said things that I didn't mean. There have been too many times when I've spoken too quickly, not realizing the effect of my words on myself and on others around me.
Too many times have I spilled the wrong words
negative words
false words.

Lately, as I try to better myself, I am focusing on my words.  Far too often, we (or I) seem to forget what lies in a word.
Your words could change someone else's mood, their day, their year, their life.
Do you want to uplift them or tear them down?
Words are truly heavy.

Think about how words form who you are.
Sure, "actions speak louder than words" and "talk is cheap."  But I don't believe that this is always true.  As anything else (the way you carry yourself, your gestures, actions to others), words represent who you are. When you give yourself to someone else in any relationship, you give them your words.






"Words are the voice of the heart." -Confucious
          He's got some pretty viable words, right?

Cycling Trivialities

Discomfort

Sadness

Anger

Anxiety

Disappointment

For my whole life when any negative emotion crossed my heart I automatically searched for a way out.  I thought...

"Okay, how can I cover this up?"

"How can I erase this?"

"Who or what will make me feel better?"

"How can I forget?"

Just now, twenty years later, I am finally realizing that this is no way to approach these emotions.

I sit here with a heavy heart. 
I'm going through a lot right now... I'm sure you are too. 
There's this feeling I get...my exhales are shaky.  My shoulders are heavy.  I just want to dump it all out of my mind and my thoughts; I want to find any possible way out.
After all, we're human. We just want to be happy.

Finally, I've realized that the only way to defeat these sorts of emotions is to face them head on.
You've got to conjure up the courage in your heart to overcome them.
You can find solace in what someone else says or in ignorance. 
You can feel happy by forgetting.
You can even pretend like these feelings never existed in the first place.
But I promise you, this will only come back to bite you.  This will only temporarily soothe.

Dig deep inside yourself and remember you can.

endless destination

This morning I received an email from my brother asking me what I want to do next year.  Here's part of my reply...

"I think about this a lot.  I've come a long way since last year.  For the first time in my life, I'm sort of drawing a line between my search for happiness and making the best of what's around.  Lately I've been actively trying to pick out the positives of every situation, since I wasn't so good at that last year.  It's all too easy to drown yourself in what's hard and what brings you down.  I wasn't "happy" in California because I missed home.  It was "too expensive" so I ran back here as fast as I could without giving it time or enough rational thought--the price of being on campus at CUI is almost equal to what I pay for rent, school, food, etc here.  I definitely don't regret what I did because I learned a lot from that transition back to Milwaukee and from being out there even in the short time that I was; plus I'm enjoying my time here right now (for the most part).  But for the longest time I thought I needed to GET OUT.  I looked at the situation in a way that I'm "stuck" in my hometown and it's such a terrible place to be when really it's not.  Now I'm starting to realize that I'm not going to find myself on a chase around the country or around the world, but I have to find myself in my own head.  That's really scary because in all reality it would be easier running around chasing something I'm not sure of or chasing "happiness" rather than sitting down and sorting out my thoughts and insecurities about who I am/where I'm going. 

With all that said, I still want to travel.  The world is such a huge place that I really have little to no knowledge about.  I want to be immersed in other cultures, I want to experience more people, GROW MORE into myself. However, I have truly grown just these past few months--I can already see it.  There are new people and new situations to experience wherever you are, so I'm trying to soak that up in Milwaukee and enjoying some of the old friendships that are around as well."

Rather than looking at this in a way that I'm not sure what life will bring next and being scared about it or nervous, I think it's quite beautiful.  The possibilities are endless, and the world is mine.  Bring it on!


The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The days get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's about.
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud. 


Every. Single. Word.
Where next?

FOLD

I've come a long way to just fold back into line
Keep both feet on the ground
While I change wings


How do we know what's coming?
How do we know which direction to take?
What choice is the best and which is the wrong choice?
It's a leap of faith.
Whether you are a Christian, Catholic, Jewish, Agnostic, Athiest, each choice that you make is a leap of faith.
There really isn't a clear direction to take with our choices and that can be really scary sometimes.
Let it be.
Each choice you make may bring you sorrow or joy, but you'll learn either way.  Every step you've taken to now has made you smarter, stronger, better.