On Sixes and a Fresh Start

6 seconds from now my smile will continue to grow bigger as I watch sweet Joey (the boy I nanny for) spoon his macaroni into his mouth (kind of...distracted by the noisy iPad, he more often than not aims for his mouth but ends up at the nose or cheek).

6 minutes from now I'll be cleaning him up and taking him upstairs for his nap.  Before I put him down we get to sit down and read together-no distractions.  And then spend a few moments in silence together.  That is his time to calm down before he sleeps, but it's also the perfect reflection time for me as well.  I am so blessed to have such an amazing job and know such a wonderful family.

6 hours from now I will be in the midst of crazy, hostessing at the restaurant downtown on New Years Eve.  We have a busy night with reservations up the wazoo, but I am lucky enough to be able to stand next to my best friend and enjoy the night with her.

6 days from now is Sunday...Sundays are the best days.  Like, ever.  Theres something about them start to finish that is always perfectly pleasant.  Usually Emma wakes me up and we go get coffee.  The rest of the day spent cleaning, preparing for a new week and then relaxing while gathering with friends and watching football.  Sundays make me feel like the luckiest.

6 months from now marks one of the biggest changes of my life thus far.  June 1 is a completely new beginning for me... I will be packing my bags, my boxes, and my sanity and relocating with my best friend in Austin, Texas.  I am so sad to leave all the wonderful here in Milwaukee but am ready to take on a new city and new experiences.

2013 BRING IT ON

A Map of Me By Roads of You

It starts at innocence
Travel a few years north and stop;
you've reached
(vulnerability)
(experience)
(heartache)

Stand at the crossroads between 16 and happy
Really, when you didn't know, things were better.
Easier? Hardly.
Small pain felt bigger than your heart's wingspan
It could overflow down your cheeks.

But there stood so many bodies.
So many minds, hearts, souls, words;
all lined up on these roads.
You've picked some up, dropped some off.

Some remain with you.

Let them guide you, even on roads already traveled.
Treasure this piece of the journey.
Every piece.

On Tricking Yourself

Constantly I am wondering what could be or should be different.

When "it's just a joke" starts to lose it's luster.
     "You really shouldn't take everything so seriously you know."

There are times when I pause and catch your eye and your cheek bones raise; your eyes smile back but you don't know how much deeper it really goes.
The creative character that lives there makes me want to squeeze your hand.
I can see more than you think.

I am so easily taken back to exact sentences you spoke months ago.
It's hard not to be angry at hollow words.

I know what I want and I know what I feel but to listen is a whole different game.

We fit so well body to body, mouth to shoulder blade with eyes shut.
But when the sun comes up you're not there.

Don't Forget:

Just remember to fall in love with the world newly again each day.

Jumbled Thoughts on People and Today

Why are we always so eager to share?

Why are we always talking about ourselves?
Why are we constantly sharing things about our day with others?
Why are we writing posts on Facebook about our tiny irrelevant opinions?
Why do we "tweet" thoughts seconds after they cross our minds?
Why do we take pictures of what we are eating and post them on instagram?

What makes us think that we are so great, so worthy of the attention of others, that we are constantly letting people know what we are thinking and doing?

I sit here typing away and drinking my coffee only minutes after I browsed multiple social networks.
Is it habit?
Or is there really meaning there?

I am constantly struggling with this. I've deleted twitter and instagram both at least once.  The number of times I've gone back and forth with deactivating and activating my Facebook is almost sickening.  It's like I have all these thoughts in my head, but I'm not strong enough to overcome them...or something.  There's something so addicting with being in constant and complete touch with all others in my life, even distant people.  It's like a trashy celebrity gossip magazine so gladly read cover to cover.  I love seeing what other people are doing.  And for some reason I love sharing my life too- I'm doing so right now by giving my thoughts.

But where do we draw the line?
Where is privacy?
And is it only going to get worse?

Humble yourself. I sure am going to try.

To You, Selfless Comrades

This is a warm 'thank you' for the few of you who have my heart. There are only a handful of you who have been so wonderful throughout everything and I don't think I tell you that I appreciate you enough. This is for you-you know who you are.

Thank you for being near to my heart even though you are so many miles away.
Thank you for always being willing to sacrifice for me because you truly care.
Thank you for brightening my days with kind words.
Thank you for still loving me no matter how far we are or how long we haven't spoken for.
Thank you for being my friend even on your busiest day.
Thank you for teaching me- through disagreements, honesty, and a positive outlook.
Thank you for going above and beyond to show you care-so many don't.
Thank you for being selfless.
Thank you for understanding a balance of give and take.
Thank you for new experiences.
Thank you for not sucking.

xo

you've got everything together

You just learn to fight back.
You're okay.
You're more than okay.
You learn to either shut off certain thoughts or punch them in the rotten imaginary guts.

Fighting these old demons has paved a welcome mat for the new you.
You're even greeted warmly at the door.
There's a party here-the kind with streamers.
"Congratulations," they say.
Their words sound genuine but those devils have smirks from bottom eyelashes to top.
Glassy execrable eyes tell you otherwise.
They're going to stay within your soul.
You punched hard enough; made them weak enough to stay away.
But only for a while.

Every time your belly bounces with laughter,
Every time your grin bears teeth,
Every time your cheeks are rosy and heart is warm,
You will mold a brick.
Brick by brick you will stack happiness.
Those demons won't break your wall down ever again.

You built the wall.

Expectations Rob Bliss From Reality

Take a second and think about the next week of your life. I bet you have formulated some plans for Tuesday dinner out with friends, Wednesday study group, Thursday morning shopping. Even plans as small or basic as these hold expectations. So you're getting dinner with friends Tuesday...perhaps you've already picked out what you will wear. Maybe you know where you want to eat. And oh it will be sunny so of course you're envisioning sitting on the patio. I bet you can picture the friend to your left putting an arm around you and reminding you that you're the best. I bet you can see clearly that your pal across from you finally brought you back the sweater you so graciously lent out in December. The check comes back and you're pleasantly surprised when someone else offers to pick it up this time. If you're anything like me you do this consistently. Unfortunately lately I have realized that my practicing habit of creating perfect scenarios such as these in my head ends up leaving me disappointed. What you've dreamt up may be wonderful...but then when you actually experience what you do, things of course are going to be very different. I promise it will only end up leaving you disappointed. Let go of these expectations. Let life simply happen because we don't have control over everything. And it's more fun that way. Unexpected bumps in the road lend a hand to growth and better memories. Try not to expect so much out of situations and even more so people. If you love someone, you will do your best to care for them and they will do the same. But no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Don't expect that perfection from them. Because why should you deserve that anyways? We are only human. You get what you give.

Today I

Life lately has been awfully confusing.  I've been stuck between yesterday, today, and tomorrow and wondering what's next... wondering what I WANT to come next.

But today is monumental.
Since I have been feeling this way for quite some time, I haven't been able to paint.  It's almost as if I've had a fear of what would show up on the canvas if I even tried.  I'm still not feeling like I'm at my full potential, but if I don't at least TRY, how long will this continue?  My creativity coincides with everything else and I've been doing a lot of soul searching.

Today I face my fears and paint.
Today I work on this totally awesome commission piece for someone close.
Today I remain in bed for a couple more hours healing my sick body and tired mind.
Today I finish my iced venti americano and THEN run some errands.
Today I make a list of goals and to-do's.
Today I run fast and far and then vegetate in the sauna.
Today I remain calm because I'm not quite sure anyone else knows what they're doing either.

Tomorrow I meet with someone to change my major to art & design with a minor in business!
    (That is a huge load off my chest.)
Tomorrow I spend some time in the library because I WILL conquer my accounting class.
Tomorrow I will continue to carry out the small changes I am making to a happier me.

clarity

I feel incredibly blessed to be influenced by the opinions of my loved ones, but I think that it's time to make a change in my life.

Sure I'll gladly listen to your personal opinion.  I will try to view things in your prospective. 

Up until this point in my life I was very much influenced by other people's opinions. 
     "You want to go into Business? Yes, that's a great degree to have. Smart girl."
Maybe I don't want to go into Business.  WHY do I want to go into Business? I can't even answer that question besides to say because it's safe. 
Because so many people around me have encouraged me to take the safe route. 
     "You're going to stick around Milwaukee for a while? Yes, good. It's cheaper."
What if I want to try something new?  WHY do I want to stay in Milwaukee? I can't answer this question either besides to say that it's safe.  I am saving up some money and paying for my living expenses.  I have old friends here.  I can drive home and do laundry on the weekends.  I can hug my mom whenever I want.
It's comfortable. 

Don't get me wrong it's amazing to me that these people care enough about me and my well being to give me their opinions and I know they want what's best for me...

But what do I want?

I am a people-pleaser.  For the most part I'm very laid back in decision making...whatever makes you happy I'll be glad to do!  But what's left for me?

What's left for me when I go with what everyone else says, thinks, wants.
What do I think?
What do I want?

From Me to Me and Maybe You: A Little Advice

Dear Ann of today, tomorrow, and yesterday:

Remember to always smile. Even a fake one when you're upset can quickly turn real.
Remember that you have some really great people that love you. Everyone is human, so when expectations go wry, forgive. They are just like you.
Remember to listen. Sometimes the most meaningful thing you can give is your ears. Advice is not always needed.
Remember to be honest. Constantly remind yourself not to push your feelings aside or ignore instincts. Be honest about your feelings, hopes, dreams, hindrances, and the things that bother you. If you're centered around this then things will be easier. Relationships will grow and so will you.
Remember to try. Actively try to be better in every aspect of your life. Don't give into your laziness when you know you shouldn't. Soak up all the knowledge that you can. Keep your body, mind, and spirit in tip top shape...or at least try.
Remember to enjoy. There are so many good things in this world that are meant to be enjoyed. EMBRACE THEM! Music, food, conversations, cozy beds, the sky, clean laundry, laughter. Don't take these things for granted.
Remember to love. Love everyone and give everyone a chance. Give yourself to other people if you expect the same thing in return.
Remember your worth. You are great so act on it. Use your talents and improve upon your weaknesses.
Remember to have faith. Of course faith isn't easy, it's a leap. It's trust and hope in things we don't always understand. Have faith in humanity. Have faith in positivity. Have faith in the good in the world. Because at the end of the day if you're disappointed, at least you gave that.

Keep your chin high and your attitude higher.
Take each day one at a time and as it comes.


Sincerely,
Ann

Friends in Far Away Places

It seems that some of the people closest to my heart now live the farthest away from me.  It isn't easy by any means to nourish relationships that you can't "touch."  It's hard when instead of conversation over coffee, you're staring at someone you'd really like to hug through a computer screen.  Instead of a walk or a shopping trip, there are just a few text messages or an occasional phone call. 

I've been having a really difficult time lately finding the good in this.  These people were placed in my life to shed such positive light.  These few people have taught me the most, been there for me the most, loved me.  Opening my hands and letting go of coffee dates and shopping trips is not easy.

Maybe that's one of the weirdest parts of growing up.  So many friends go different ways.  There is now so much less time to spend together.  Responsibilities build barriers that aren't always easy to climb.  I need to remind myself daily that it's just life! I still love them, they still love me.  Things just seem to fold out differently as we grow.

I suppose I've got to remember that like myself, each of these special people has their own path.  It's a blessing that our paths even crossed in the first place.  I need to open my hands and heart and love what's best for the people I love. I guess now I have a few more reasons to travel!

f o r w a r d s

This year has brought so much.  New people were brought into my life and one close friend was taken to heaven.  I moved into my own house. I spent some time in some great places.  I was blessed with new families with new children to take care of.  I've come a long way as an artist. I learned and am still learning how to represent myself and reach for my goals.  I've realized how much the people dear to my heart mean to me, and learned to really treasure those relationships.


What's next?
I guess as a metaphoric new chapter begins, I'll take that opportunity to refocus my energy and set some goals for myself.  Let's make 2012 the best year yet.


Stop and smell the roses. I want to take more time each day to appreciate the little things around me.  This world is such an amazing place and I often times take it for granted.  There is so much beauty in life that deserves more attention. Pull over to look at the sky.  Play the song you really enjoyed one more time.  Listen to what someone is saying.  ENJOY the little things.


Take better care of myself. I want to present myself better because I do care about my own well being, and I think that that should show.  I should probably start brushing my hair... but that might be pushing it!  I want to really watch the food that I'm putting in my body and learn more about how it affects me.  I want to sweat.  I want to exercise more.  I want to be strong!


Explore new things. This year I would really like to go to Alaska.  But besides that I want to see new places that are around me.  There is so much in Milwaukee that I have yet to explore; so much ground in Wisconsin and the surrounding states that I have yet to walk on.


Step outside of my comfort zone. I want to volunteer.  I want to travel.  I want to meet new people. I want to push myself to do things that I am not necessarily comfortable with.  I want to try new things!

Soak up some knowledge. This semester in school I'd like to do better than I've ever done.  I'd like to push myself as far as I can go because I did exactly the opposite last semester.  I want to show myself that I am capable of doing well.  I'd also like to gain something from the thousands of dollars that I'm spilling out to the university.  This also means I'd like to read more; whether that be fictional books or articles on the internet... inform me!

Maintain and nurture relationships. There are some truly wonderful people in my life that I treasure.  I don't think that I tell these people enough how much they mean to me and I want to make that a goal to nurture them.  I want to reach out better to keep in touch with the friends that are distant when times are busy.  I want to stay surrounded by such great friends because they really do lift me up.


Be selfless. Quite honestly, I've struggled with being selfish my whole life. I suppose it's human nature to want what's best for yourself and that's not always a bad thing.  But this year I want to GIVE.  I want to give my time and helping hand to others.  I want to put people who need me at the top of my priorities--friends, loved ones, even people I don't know.  Love.