Looking back at photos from 06, 07, 08, etc...my heart is full. My heart is breaking. My heart remembers. It laughs, it sinks. Mostly though, my heart sees. There seems to be a trend photo after photo. Honesty. At 23 I wouldn't trade who I am and what I've learned but I do feel some envy. The girl in these photos and relationships was so deeply honest to herself. Maybe it is skewed perspective looking back on things and not remembering insecurities or negativity, but I do see a different person. I do sometimes mourn for her, for those relationships. Innocence amongst it's opposite. My brain has blocked out a lot of the memories I made during my formative years because of how deeply emotional or painful they were. Because of the people I knowingly hurt. Because all the while knowing the good person that I was, I did whatever I wanted.
Will things ever feel that good again? Reckless. I have always loved feeling reckless. This 'adulthood' that I now hold is a title I swore I'd never boast about. Even still behind my peers in "adult-life duties" I am so grown.
I may not remember a lot but I do remember the relationships that rocked my core. The friends that I let go of whom I called every day. I remember times with friends and with acquaintances and with loves in cycles of seasons, and in specific songs. I remember my favorite shirts or pants from specific years. I can't always recall events but I will never forget details or feelings.
Forwards
It feels so beautiful to move forwards. To love so securely and endlessly. To for once in my life not fear that I am not enough for another. To not care what comes next in terms of school or career because love and this planet are enough.
But my heart will never stop mourning what has come before.
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