Cycling Trivialities

Discomfort

Sadness

Anger

Anxiety

Disappointment

For my whole life when any negative emotion crossed my heart I automatically searched for a way out.  I thought...

"Okay, how can I cover this up?"

"How can I erase this?"

"Who or what will make me feel better?"

"How can I forget?"

Just now, twenty years later, I am finally realizing that this is no way to approach these emotions.

I sit here with a heavy heart. 
I'm going through a lot right now... I'm sure you are too. 
There's this feeling I get...my exhales are shaky.  My shoulders are heavy.  I just want to dump it all out of my mind and my thoughts; I want to find any possible way out.
After all, we're human. We just want to be happy.

Finally, I've realized that the only way to defeat these sorts of emotions is to face them head on.
You've got to conjure up the courage in your heart to overcome them.
You can find solace in what someone else says or in ignorance. 
You can feel happy by forgetting.
You can even pretend like these feelings never existed in the first place.
But I promise you, this will only come back to bite you.  This will only temporarily soothe.

Dig deep inside yourself and remember you can.

endless destination

This morning I received an email from my brother asking me what I want to do next year.  Here's part of my reply...

"I think about this a lot.  I've come a long way since last year.  For the first time in my life, I'm sort of drawing a line between my search for happiness and making the best of what's around.  Lately I've been actively trying to pick out the positives of every situation, since I wasn't so good at that last year.  It's all too easy to drown yourself in what's hard and what brings you down.  I wasn't "happy" in California because I missed home.  It was "too expensive" so I ran back here as fast as I could without giving it time or enough rational thought--the price of being on campus at CUI is almost equal to what I pay for rent, school, food, etc here.  I definitely don't regret what I did because I learned a lot from that transition back to Milwaukee and from being out there even in the short time that I was; plus I'm enjoying my time here right now (for the most part).  But for the longest time I thought I needed to GET OUT.  I looked at the situation in a way that I'm "stuck" in my hometown and it's such a terrible place to be when really it's not.  Now I'm starting to realize that I'm not going to find myself on a chase around the country or around the world, but I have to find myself in my own head.  That's really scary because in all reality it would be easier running around chasing something I'm not sure of or chasing "happiness" rather than sitting down and sorting out my thoughts and insecurities about who I am/where I'm going. 

With all that said, I still want to travel.  The world is such a huge place that I really have little to no knowledge about.  I want to be immersed in other cultures, I want to experience more people, GROW MORE into myself. However, I have truly grown just these past few months--I can already see it.  There are new people and new situations to experience wherever you are, so I'm trying to soak that up in Milwaukee and enjoying some of the old friendships that are around as well."

Rather than looking at this in a way that I'm not sure what life will bring next and being scared about it or nervous, I think it's quite beautiful.  The possibilities are endless, and the world is mine.  Bring it on!


The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The days get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's about.
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud. 


Every. Single. Word.
Where next?

FOLD

I've come a long way to just fold back into line
Keep both feet on the ground
While I change wings


How do we know what's coming?
How do we know which direction to take?
What choice is the best and which is the wrong choice?
It's a leap of faith.
Whether you are a Christian, Catholic, Jewish, Agnostic, Athiest, each choice that you make is a leap of faith.
There really isn't a clear direction to take with our choices and that can be really scary sometimes.
Let it be.
Each choice you make may bring you sorrow or joy, but you'll learn either way.  Every step you've taken to now has made you smarter, stronger, better.

appreciate

Life isn't usually easy.  Of course at the age of 20, everything seems like it's the end of the world.  Money is tight, school is tough, friendships are elastic, and identity is chased.

Although it can be a rocky road, life is BEAUTIFUL.  Sure you have to let things go sometimes, sure you get in arguments, sure you cry.  You'll get angry, you'll be upset.  Things will go sour faster than you can snap your fingers.  But honestly, what is a good moment worth without these moments?  If life was easy, if everything were perfect all the time... who would you be?  Would your relationships be as strong as they are?  Would you be as courageous as you've learned to be?  Would your smiles mean as much to you as they do now?
I could easily spend my day wrapped up in scary things, sad things, upsetting things.  I could let it eat me up, after all it's much easier letting anxiety consume you than it is to bite it back in the face.

Here's my wish for you:
I wish that you will stand up strong against your troubles, remembering that without them your happiness would be futile. Embrace the bad, for it only makes the good better.

a n e w

Where have all the good people gone? Were there even any in the first place?
I have such a sensitive soul that wants nothing but good.  When I am disappointed or when I know I let someone down that I care about, it truly eats away at me.  I let it fester in my head and do nothing but think, grovel, mourn, lose my appetite.  This is something I need to work on.

Let go and let God.

I am a human being and so is everyone else around me.  All I can do is make the best of every situation that I'm in and handle things the way that I know is right.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.




I'll be honest, I'm really struggling right now in a lot of aspects.
          Have I made all the right decisions that brought me to where I am now?  Should I have moved so suddenly?  I could have stayed in California.  I would have gotten to tell Paige that I loved her one last time, I would have been at the memorial.  My faith wouldn't be on such a rocky path--I'd be at SHOUT every Thursday brought to tears by the presence of God in my heart.  My grades would have remained a whole lot higher... they've dipped harshly since coming back to Milwaukee.  The people who supported me so greatly while I was there would still be close to me, there wouldn't be the pain of missing them.
          But why do that to myself?  If I would have stayed, I would have wondered similar things about "what if I had moved back to Milwaukee?"  I have learned so much since making the transition.  I am financially more stable and responsible, I am TRYING to be a better student, I have a handful of great friends here, and I am learning to be more independent than ever--learning to be confident alone with my thoughts.  I am learning that faith isn't always strong, it is a constant struggle.  It is a walk with God that fluctuates and changes, one that helps me grow.




So let's end here...
Finding the positive isn't easy for any of us.  One thing I try to do everyday is remind myself of why my life is truly wonderful amongst all the pain and struggle...

I'm alive.
I can walk and my mind works just fine.
I have great family and friends.
I have clothes and a home and food.
I have passion and desire.

What do you have?

Private Thoughts

"Happiness [is] only real when shared." -Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild


I've been trying to find a balance for a while.  So many people come and go from my life like it's nothing and it definitely bothers me.  My soul has a deep yearning for caring and nurturing.  My heart is filled with love for the world around me, and I pour that into everything and everyone.  That makes it hard when someone blows it off or doesn't act the same- I'm talking about relationships and actions with everyone in my life. 

At this point in my life, I have matured vastly from the year before and want to make changes.  I want to surround myself with selfless people, better people.  I want to make better choices in my academics and the way I carry myself.  I want to make a more conscious effort to work on my known flaws and I want to be the best me that I can.

But most of all, I want to share that with someone who feels the same way that I do.  I'm done with games in relationships.  I'm done wasting my time on people I know I don't have feelings for. I am guilty of taking more than I should when I know I'm not interested.  I'm done trying to please people that should also be pleasing me but aren't, and I'm done putting myself down for caring.

I am the type to go for what I want and if it doesn't work out so be it.  How many people go through their lives wondering "what if..."? I refuse to be part of that population. Life is a journey, experience it.  What's a smile without some tears?

For christ's sake... if John Mayer would just take me on a date we wouldn't even have this problem.

I Don't Want To Be Alone But I Don't Want To Be Here

I was told my soul was old
Then why can't I understand it all
If my soul was really old
I wonder if I could change this world
Life has given me obstacles
Still I bite my tongue say it's wonderful
I'm just glad I'm still around
I'm even more glad when things are down

I want to get in my car and drive really far. 

If only I had more money.

But how much is money really worth anyways that it's going to stop me from having a memory?

I think I'm going to go drive now....