When my heart feels like like it's dropping from heights
and my tears feel like the very moment heavy waves push the sand;
it's not a dangerous feeling
it's not evil or hopeless,
but it's my whole, entire heart.
When I become overwhelmed by everything I love and everything I have ever loved
everything I have ever lost and have yet to lose that my heart breaks for
everything I could ever want and hope for my own life and for others
every heart ache or hard day that felt like each day wasn't as golden
as it was
everything I have ever smelled, heard, practiced, touched.
Every skill I've ever wanted to learn,
every house I've dreamed of building,
every different world and life I've wanted to be a part of,
every version of me that could've been different,
every day ahead of me that could go a million different ways.
Really at the center all it has ever been was this skin and this mind
what holds each delicate feeling so safe.
My sunday songs
my comforts like
thinking of fireflies at dusk with my toes in the summer grass
the way the first delicate snow fall smells on an empty and quiet street
a winding road through the tall trees
a song on repeat for 12 days
a connection to a story, a movie, a character
the sound of leaves
the reel in my head that plays this perfect imagination
bells and build ups in that song
energy from a smoothie
mood swings up with clarity
true clarity
the moment I decide to just keep driving
They are gifts
from myself.
Friday, January 12, 2018
Sunday, May 8, 2016
How do you start to write when your heart and mind are in 1,000 different places? Here I sit, alone, in our apartment. It is May 8th, 2016...Mother's Day. When I think of the love that I have for my mother, I could cry. When I think of the love that I have for her mother for the fact that she raised my mother, well I am crying. Although her mind is slipping, the past remains. Everything she built still remains. How amazing is that. I am always getting down on myself for being so attached to the past and things that have happened. But how beautiful is that...sometimes it is all you have. And it is so insanely powerful. The past is why we have now.
I have been thinking about social media. I have been reading about it, listening to podcasts, TED talks; and it is hurting me more than ever. My soul hurts to think that our society is completely enveloped in this ego-boosting monster. This monster that is creating more monsters. Now more than every every single person feels like the most important, the most special. Every single person needs validation. Every single person wants the best all the time. This makes me feel sad for people, it makes me not trust people. My mind constantly reels on building a cabin. On at least spending some time in solitude. SOME. I need some. I need something. Or i'll crack out of my own damn head.
I have been thinking about social media. I have been reading about it, listening to podcasts, TED talks; and it is hurting me more than ever. My soul hurts to think that our society is completely enveloped in this ego-boosting monster. This monster that is creating more monsters. Now more than every every single person feels like the most important, the most special. Every single person needs validation. Every single person wants the best all the time. This makes me feel sad for people, it makes me not trust people. My mind constantly reels on building a cabin. On at least spending some time in solitude. SOME. I need some. I need something. Or i'll crack out of my own damn head.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
6/4/15 Austin, TX: Jumbled Thoughts on Formative Memory
Looking back at photos from 06, 07, 08, etc...my heart is full. My heart is breaking. My heart remembers. It laughs, it sinks. Mostly though, my heart sees. There seems to be a trend photo after photo. Honesty. At 23 I wouldn't trade who I am and what I've learned but I do feel some envy. The girl in these photos and relationships was so deeply honest to herself. Maybe it is skewed perspective looking back on things and not remembering insecurities or negativity, but I do see a different person. I do sometimes mourn for her, for those relationships. Innocence amongst it's opposite. My brain has blocked out a lot of the memories I made during my formative years because of how deeply emotional or painful they were. Because of the people I knowingly hurt. Because all the while knowing the good person that I was, I did whatever I wanted.
Will things ever feel that good again? Reckless. I have always loved feeling reckless. This 'adulthood' that I now hold is a title I swore I'd never boast about. Even still behind my peers in "adult-life duties" I am so grown.
I may not remember a lot but I do remember the relationships that rocked my core. The friends that I let go of whom I called every day. I remember times with friends and with acquaintances and with loves in cycles of seasons, and in specific songs. I remember my favorite shirts or pants from specific years. I can't always recall events but I will never forget details or feelings.
Forwards
It feels so beautiful to move forwards. To love so securely and endlessly. To for once in my life not fear that I am not enough for another. To not care what comes next in terms of school or career because love and this planet are enough.
But my heart will never stop mourning what has come before.
Will things ever feel that good again? Reckless. I have always loved feeling reckless. This 'adulthood' that I now hold is a title I swore I'd never boast about. Even still behind my peers in "adult-life duties" I am so grown.
I may not remember a lot but I do remember the relationships that rocked my core. The friends that I let go of whom I called every day. I remember times with friends and with acquaintances and with loves in cycles of seasons, and in specific songs. I remember my favorite shirts or pants from specific years. I can't always recall events but I will never forget details or feelings.
Forwards
It feels so beautiful to move forwards. To love so securely and endlessly. To for once in my life not fear that I am not enough for another. To not care what comes next in terms of school or career because love and this planet are enough.
But my heart will never stop mourning what has come before.
Monday, November 25, 2013
The Scary Realization That Most Of It Is For You
I'm not sure if you're still all there, but I know at least one finger is touching the right side of my beating chest. And I think that it always will be.
"You're the good things."
"Maybe that's just it... maybe we get a whole playlist."
You opened my closed mind and held close my heavy heart.
You were in my blood.
I don't think I've ever figured out how to clean myself of you.
But the truth is, I wouldn't ever want to.
I am still in love with August 2011 when our kiss stopped time.
With little self-control late that September evening when you grabbed my hair on the front porch.
A walk to the lake and an arm around me put me in a place I had never been.
With a text message "I like you, you know"
Something small felt so big.
With November 12th when you said you loved me for the first time.
With all the nights we both spent alone, our thoughts and words yet together.
All the movies we watched apart at the same time.
With April 8th, 2012 when I kissed you again.
With May 25th when we held hands and shared chicken nuggets, mustard tiger.
An ice cream cone painted on your stomach, you were truly mine.
With September when you thought 'friends' was better and left my heart raw.
With November when I was back in your sweatshirt.
With December when I shared with you a Christmas gift and my bed on a regular basis.
With January 2013 when I picked you up from being with another girl.
You said you loved me in passing.
With March when your house was still cold but I sat in my jacket soaking in the sound of your drums.
With June and July when most nights we were next to each other and most mornings we had pancakes.
With August with every last second.
And with Now.
"You're the good things."
"Maybe that's just it... maybe we get a whole playlist."
You opened my closed mind and held close my heavy heart.
You were in my blood.
I don't think I've ever figured out how to clean myself of you.
But the truth is, I wouldn't ever want to.
I am still in love with August 2011 when our kiss stopped time.
With little self-control late that September evening when you grabbed my hair on the front porch.
A walk to the lake and an arm around me put me in a place I had never been.
With a text message "I like you, you know"
Something small felt so big.
With November 12th when you said you loved me for the first time.
With all the nights we both spent alone, our thoughts and words yet together.
All the movies we watched apart at the same time.
With April 8th, 2012 when I kissed you again.
With May 25th when we held hands and shared chicken nuggets, mustard tiger.
An ice cream cone painted on your stomach, you were truly mine.
With September when you thought 'friends' was better and left my heart raw.
With November when I was back in your sweatshirt.
With December when I shared with you a Christmas gift and my bed on a regular basis.
With January 2013 when I picked you up from being with another girl.
You said you loved me in passing.
With March when your house was still cold but I sat in my jacket soaking in the sound of your drums.
With June and July when most nights we were next to each other and most mornings we had pancakes.
With August with every last second.
And with Now.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Unrequited
The outline of your face in photos speaks well.
"How is your mom?"
My tongue spits sincerely;
but who lives behind?
I do miss you with fingers crossed.
It is when I need a period to finish my sentence
When 1:34 a.m. is too dark
When my evil wants to hear she is pure
There is a gap between "a good place" and the comfort of singularity
I unfold you and wrap you around my shivering parts.
It is too easy to water the weeds.
After all, it is nice to see green in the garden.
"How is your mom?"
My tongue spits sincerely;
but who lives behind?
I do miss you with fingers crossed.
It is when I need a period to finish my sentence
When 1:34 a.m. is too dark
When my evil wants to hear she is pure
There is a gap between "a good place" and the comfort of singularity
I unfold you and wrap you around my shivering parts.
It is too easy to water the weeds.
After all, it is nice to see green in the garden.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
21
Dear 21,
I see you standing, feet planted firmly in the soil of perfect mistakes. I look at you, though, and I wonder how you got so tall. When did you become so strong? Your path to a smile is so much clearer.
I see your tears for 3 year old scrapes and bruises.
I see your ugly sob for 16 year old breakups.
I can feel your heart murmur for 20 year old lost chances,
empty promises,
and realizations that not everything
is what it seems.
But I did not see your strength until now.
Everyday you were growing, changing.
You were walking along a path to make your pain productivity.
I look at you standing, 21, and I see your wisdom.
I see your simple joys.
I see your laugh in tears
and your steps in weakness.
I am so glad I know you, 21.
I can't wait to stand behind you
and watch you walk to 83.
I see you standing, feet planted firmly in the soil of perfect mistakes. I look at you, though, and I wonder how you got so tall. When did you become so strong? Your path to a smile is so much clearer.
I see your tears for 3 year old scrapes and bruises.
I see your ugly sob for 16 year old breakups.
I can feel your heart murmur for 20 year old lost chances,
empty promises,
and realizations that not everything
is what it seems.
But I did not see your strength until now.
Everyday you were growing, changing.
You were walking along a path to make your pain productivity.
I look at you standing, 21, and I see your wisdom.
I see your simple joys.
I see your laugh in tears
and your steps in weakness.
I am so glad I know you, 21.
I can't wait to stand behind you
and watch you walk to 83.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Don't Say You Didn't Hear It From Me
It's such a bizarre feeling knowing that less than a year ago I was 'craigslisting' constantly. I had applied for an Americorps position in Los Angeles, California and was overly confident of the outcome. Literally an hour at the least was spent every single day browsing studio apartments in West Hollywood. Every apartment I pictured myself in. A new city, a new start, new friends, a new job-I could see it all. I even saw the pictures I wanted to hang in the yellow kitchen, or the curtain I would put up next to my bed to block it from the sofa that I do not yet own. During these moments I had this feeling in my stomach...like 'Oh shit, I'm terrified' but 'I WANT TO GO NOW.' I had this indescribable feeling of excitement for a completely new adventure. I could physically feel it in my body. When I found out in early June that I would not be leaving for L.A. come September because I did not get the volunteer position, I was devastated. However, slowly, small signs seemed to creep their way into my daily life showing me that was not the path for me. Not getting to start a new journey was a journey all its own and I would not give up the time I have been here with new friends and new surroundings in my old city.
With that, I will say that I am currently on a new apartment search. Come the end of this semester, I will be relocating (for real this time!). My best friend/roommate and I have decided to put all of our things in a truck and drive to Austin, Texas to start a new life. The people I have told thus far have given me mixed reactions. Some of my best friends are excited for me, some are not. This is why I want to explain to you, my friends, my decision.
Moving away is not an 'escape' from the current life I live. Moving away is not a search for something perfect. Moving away is the start of a new chapter...not something I need to do, something I want to do. I am 21 years old and it is time for me to see the world. It's time to get into some trouble somewhere else. Austin, Texas has probably the most life I've ever seen in a city. There are creative people everywhere, and for that I am so so excited. You could ask me "why?" and to be honest I don't have a picture perfect answer to that question. My best response would really be "why not?" It's wonderful to have that same feeling in my body...to be so excited for a new journey.
If I come back with a southern accent don't make fun of me.
With that, I will say that I am currently on a new apartment search. Come the end of this semester, I will be relocating (for real this time!). My best friend/roommate and I have decided to put all of our things in a truck and drive to Austin, Texas to start a new life. The people I have told thus far have given me mixed reactions. Some of my best friends are excited for me, some are not. This is why I want to explain to you, my friends, my decision.
Moving away is not an 'escape' from the current life I live. Moving away is not a search for something perfect. Moving away is the start of a new chapter...not something I need to do, something I want to do. I am 21 years old and it is time for me to see the world. It's time to get into some trouble somewhere else. Austin, Texas has probably the most life I've ever seen in a city. There are creative people everywhere, and for that I am so so excited. You could ask me "why?" and to be honest I don't have a picture perfect answer to that question. My best response would really be "why not?" It's wonderful to have that same feeling in my body...to be so excited for a new journey.
If I come back with a southern accent don't make fun of me.
Monday, December 31, 2012
On Sixes and a Fresh Start
6 seconds from now my smile will continue to grow bigger as I watch sweet Joey (the boy I nanny for) spoon his macaroni into his mouth (kind of...distracted by the noisy iPad, he more often than not aims for his mouth but ends up at the nose or cheek).
6 minutes from now I'll be cleaning him up and taking him upstairs for his nap. Before I put him down we get to sit down and read together-no distractions. And then spend a few moments in silence together. That is his time to calm down before he sleeps, but it's also the perfect reflection time for me as well. I am so blessed to have such an amazing job and know such a wonderful family.
6 hours from now I will be in the midst of crazy, hostessing at the restaurant downtown on New Years Eve. We have a busy night with reservations up the wazoo, but I am lucky enough to be able to stand next to my best friend and enjoy the night with her.
6 days from now is Sunday...Sundays are the best days. Like, ever. Theres something about them start to finish that is always perfectly pleasant. Usually Emma wakes me up and we go get coffee. The rest of the day spent cleaning, preparing for a new week and then relaxing while gathering with friends and watching football. Sundays make me feel like the luckiest.
6 months from now marks one of the biggest changes of my life thus far. June 1 is a completely new beginning for me... I will be packing my bags, my boxes, and my sanity and relocating with my best friend in Austin, Texas. I am so sad to leave all the wonderful here in Milwaukee but am ready to take on a new city and new experiences.
2013 BRING IT ON
6 minutes from now I'll be cleaning him up and taking him upstairs for his nap. Before I put him down we get to sit down and read together-no distractions. And then spend a few moments in silence together. That is his time to calm down before he sleeps, but it's also the perfect reflection time for me as well. I am so blessed to have such an amazing job and know such a wonderful family.
6 hours from now I will be in the midst of crazy, hostessing at the restaurant downtown on New Years Eve. We have a busy night with reservations up the wazoo, but I am lucky enough to be able to stand next to my best friend and enjoy the night with her.
6 days from now is Sunday...Sundays are the best days. Like, ever. Theres something about them start to finish that is always perfectly pleasant. Usually Emma wakes me up and we go get coffee. The rest of the day spent cleaning, preparing for a new week and then relaxing while gathering with friends and watching football. Sundays make me feel like the luckiest.
6 months from now marks one of the biggest changes of my life thus far. June 1 is a completely new beginning for me... I will be packing my bags, my boxes, and my sanity and relocating with my best friend in Austin, Texas. I am so sad to leave all the wonderful here in Milwaukee but am ready to take on a new city and new experiences.
2013 BRING IT ON
Friday, December 7, 2012
A Map of Me By Roads of You
It starts at innocence
Travel a few years north and stop;
you've reached
(vulnerability)
(experience)
(heartache)
Stand at the crossroads between 16 and happy
Really, when you didn't know, things were better.
Easier? Hardly.
Small pain felt bigger than your heart's wingspan
It could overflow down your cheeks.
But there stood so many bodies.
So many minds, hearts, souls, words;
all lined up on these roads.
You've picked some up, dropped some off.
Some remain with you.
Let them guide you, even on roads already traveled.
Treasure this piece of the journey.
Every piece.
Travel a few years north and stop;
you've reached
(vulnerability)
(experience)
(heartache)
Stand at the crossroads between 16 and happy
Really, when you didn't know, things were better.
Easier? Hardly.
Small pain felt bigger than your heart's wingspan
It could overflow down your cheeks.
But there stood so many bodies.
So many minds, hearts, souls, words;
all lined up on these roads.
You've picked some up, dropped some off.
Some remain with you.
Let them guide you, even on roads already traveled.
Treasure this piece of the journey.
Every piece.
Monday, November 19, 2012
On Tricking Yourself
Constantly I am wondering what could be or should be different.
When "it's just a joke" starts to lose it's luster.
"You really shouldn't take everything so seriously you know."
There are times when I pause and catch your eye and your cheek bones raise; your eyes smile back but you don't know how much deeper it really goes.
The creative character that lives there makes me want to squeeze your hand.
I can see more than you think.
I am so easily taken back to exact sentences you spoke months ago.
It's hard not to be angry at hollow words.
I know what I want and I know what I feel but to listen is a whole different game.
We fit so well body to body, mouth to shoulder blade with eyes shut.
But when the sun comes up you're not there.
When "it's just a joke" starts to lose it's luster.
"You really shouldn't take everything so seriously you know."
There are times when I pause and catch your eye and your cheek bones raise; your eyes smile back but you don't know how much deeper it really goes.
The creative character that lives there makes me want to squeeze your hand.
I can see more than you think.
I am so easily taken back to exact sentences you spoke months ago.
It's hard not to be angry at hollow words.
I know what I want and I know what I feel but to listen is a whole different game.
We fit so well body to body, mouth to shoulder blade with eyes shut.
But when the sun comes up you're not there.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Jumbled Thoughts on People and Today
Why are we always so eager to share?
Why are we always talking about ourselves?
Why are we constantly sharing things about our day with others?
Why are we writing posts on Facebook about our tiny irrelevant opinions?
Why do we "tweet" thoughts seconds after they cross our minds?
Why do we take pictures of what we are eating and post them on instagram?
What makes us think that we are so great, so worthy of the attention of others, that we are constantly letting people know what we are thinking and doing?
I sit here typing away and drinking my coffee only minutes after I browsed multiple social networks.
Is it habit?
Or is there really meaning there?
I am constantly struggling with this. I've deleted twitter and instagram both at least once. The number of times I've gone back and forth with deactivating and activating my Facebook is almost sickening. It's like I have all these thoughts in my head, but I'm not strong enough to overcome them...or something. There's something so addicting with being in constant and complete touch with all others in my life, even distant people. It's like a trashy celebrity gossip magazine so gladly read cover to cover. I love seeing what other people are doing. And for some reason I love sharing my life too- I'm doing so right now by giving my thoughts.
But where do we draw the line?
Where is privacy?
And is it only going to get worse?
Humble yourself. I sure am going to try.
Why are we always talking about ourselves?
Why are we constantly sharing things about our day with others?
Why are we writing posts on Facebook about our tiny irrelevant opinions?
Why do we "tweet" thoughts seconds after they cross our minds?
Why do we take pictures of what we are eating and post them on instagram?
What makes us think that we are so great, so worthy of the attention of others, that we are constantly letting people know what we are thinking and doing?
I sit here typing away and drinking my coffee only minutes after I browsed multiple social networks.
Is it habit?
Or is there really meaning there?
I am constantly struggling with this. I've deleted twitter and instagram both at least once. The number of times I've gone back and forth with deactivating and activating my Facebook is almost sickening. It's like I have all these thoughts in my head, but I'm not strong enough to overcome them...or something. There's something so addicting with being in constant and complete touch with all others in my life, even distant people. It's like a trashy celebrity gossip magazine so gladly read cover to cover. I love seeing what other people are doing. And for some reason I love sharing my life too- I'm doing so right now by giving my thoughts.
But where do we draw the line?
Where is privacy?
And is it only going to get worse?
Humble yourself. I sure am going to try.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
To You, Selfless Comrades
This is a warm 'thank you' for the few of you who have my heart. There are only a handful of you who have been so wonderful throughout everything and I don't think I tell you that I appreciate you enough. This is for you-you know who you are.
Thank you for being near to my heart even though you are so many miles away.
Thank you for always being willing to sacrifice for me because you truly care.
Thank you for brightening my days with kind words.
Thank you for still loving me no matter how far we are or how long we haven't spoken for.
Thank you for being my friend even on your busiest day.
Thank you for teaching me- through disagreements, honesty, and a positive outlook.
Thank you for going above and beyond to show you care-so many don't.
Thank you for being selfless.
Thank you for understanding a balance of give and take.
Thank you for new experiences.
Thank you for not sucking.
xo
Thank you for being near to my heart even though you are so many miles away.
Thank you for always being willing to sacrifice for me because you truly care.
Thank you for brightening my days with kind words.
Thank you for still loving me no matter how far we are or how long we haven't spoken for.
Thank you for being my friend even on your busiest day.
Thank you for teaching me- through disagreements, honesty, and a positive outlook.
Thank you for going above and beyond to show you care-so many don't.
Thank you for being selfless.
Thank you for understanding a balance of give and take.
Thank you for new experiences.
Thank you for not sucking.
xo
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
you've got everything together
You just learn to fight back.
You're okay.
You're more than okay.
You learn to either shut off certain thoughts or punch them in the rotten imaginary guts.
Fighting these old demons has paved a welcome mat for the new you.
You're even greeted warmly at the door.
There's a party here-the kind with streamers.
"Congratulations," they say.
Their words sound genuine but those devils have smirks from bottom eyelashes to top.
Glassy execrable eyes tell you otherwise.
They're going to stay within your soul.
You punched hard enough; made them weak enough to stay away.
But only for a while.
Every time your belly bounces with laughter,
Every time your grin bears teeth,
Every time your cheeks are rosy and heart is warm,
You will mold a brick.
Brick by brick you will stack happiness.
Those demons won't break your wall down ever again.
You built the wall.
You're okay.
You're more than okay.
You learn to either shut off certain thoughts or punch them in the rotten imaginary guts.
Fighting these old demons has paved a welcome mat for the new you.
You're even greeted warmly at the door.
There's a party here-the kind with streamers.
"Congratulations," they say.
Their words sound genuine but those devils have smirks from bottom eyelashes to top.
Glassy execrable eyes tell you otherwise.
They're going to stay within your soul.
You punched hard enough; made them weak enough to stay away.
But only for a while.
Every time your belly bounces with laughter,
Every time your grin bears teeth,
Every time your cheeks are rosy and heart is warm,
You will mold a brick.
Brick by brick you will stack happiness.
Those demons won't break your wall down ever again.
You built the wall.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Expectations Rob Bliss From Reality
Take a second and think about the next week of your life.
I bet you have formulated some plans for Tuesday dinner out with friends, Wednesday study group, Thursday morning shopping. Even plans as small or basic as these hold expectations.
So you're getting dinner with friends Tuesday...perhaps you've already picked out what you will wear. Maybe you know where you want to eat. And oh it will be sunny so of course you're envisioning sitting on the patio. I bet you can picture the friend to your left putting an arm around you and reminding you that you're the best. I bet you can see clearly that your pal across from you finally brought you back the sweater you so graciously lent out in December. The check comes back and you're pleasantly surprised when someone else offers to pick it up this time.
If you're anything like me you do this consistently.
Unfortunately lately I have realized that my practicing habit of creating perfect scenarios such as these in my head ends up leaving me disappointed. What you've dreamt up may be wonderful...but then when you actually experience what you do, things of course are going to be very different. I promise it will only end up leaving you disappointed.
Let go of these expectations. Let life simply happen because we don't have control over everything. And it's more fun that way. Unexpected bumps in the road lend a hand to growth and better memories.
Try not to expect so much out of situations and even more so people. If you love someone, you will do your best to care for them and they will do the same. But no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Don't expect that perfection from them. Because why should you deserve that anyways? We are only human.
You get what you give.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Today I
Life lately has been awfully confusing. I've been stuck between yesterday, today, and tomorrow and wondering what's next... wondering what I WANT to come next.
But today is monumental.
Since I have been feeling this way for quite some time, I haven't been able to paint. It's almost as if I've had a fear of what would show up on the canvas if I even tried. I'm still not feeling like I'm at my full potential, but if I don't at least TRY, how long will this continue? My creativity coincides with everything else and I've been doing a lot of soul searching.
Today I face my fears and paint.
Today I work on this totally awesome commission piece for someone close.
Today I remain in bed for a couple more hours healing my sick body and tired mind.
Today I finish my iced venti americano and THEN run some errands.
Today I make a list of goals and to-do's.
Today I run fast and far and then vegetate in the sauna.
Today I remain calm because I'm not quite sure anyone else knows what they're doing either.
Tomorrow I meet with someone to change my major to art & design with a minor in business!
(That is a huge load off my chest.)
Tomorrow I spend some time in the library because I WILL conquer my accounting class.
Tomorrow I will continue to carry out the small changes I am making to a happier me.
But today is monumental.
Since I have been feeling this way for quite some time, I haven't been able to paint. It's almost as if I've had a fear of what would show up on the canvas if I even tried. I'm still not feeling like I'm at my full potential, but if I don't at least TRY, how long will this continue? My creativity coincides with everything else and I've been doing a lot of soul searching.
Today I face my fears and paint.
Today I work on this totally awesome commission piece for someone close.
Today I remain in bed for a couple more hours healing my sick body and tired mind.
Today I finish my iced venti americano and THEN run some errands.
Today I make a list of goals and to-do's.
Today I run fast and far and then vegetate in the sauna.
Today I remain calm because I'm not quite sure anyone else knows what they're doing either.
Tomorrow I meet with someone to change my major to art & design with a minor in business!
(That is a huge load off my chest.)
Tomorrow I spend some time in the library because I WILL conquer my accounting class.
Tomorrow I will continue to carry out the small changes I am making to a happier me.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
clarity
I feel incredibly blessed to be influenced by the opinions of my loved ones, but I think that it's time to make a change in my life.
Sure I'll gladly listen to your personal opinion. I will try to view things in your prospective.
Up until this point in my life I was very much influenced by other people's opinions.
"You want to go into Business? Yes, that's a great degree to have. Smart girl."
Maybe I don't want to go into Business. WHY do I want to go into Business? I can't even answer that question besides to say because it's safe.
Because so many people around me have encouraged me to take the safe route.
"You're going to stick around Milwaukee for a while? Yes, good. It's cheaper."
What if I want to try something new? WHY do I want to stay in Milwaukee? I can't answer this question either besides to say that it's safe. I am saving up some money and paying for my living expenses. I have old friends here. I can drive home and do laundry on the weekends. I can hug my mom whenever I want.
It's comfortable.
Don't get me wrong it's amazing to me that these people care enough about me and my well being to give me their opinions and I know they want what's best for me...
But what do I want?
I am a people-pleaser. For the most part I'm very laid back in decision making...whatever makes you happy I'll be glad to do! But what's left for me?
What's left for me when I go with what everyone else says, thinks, wants.
What do I think?
What do I want?
Sure I'll gladly listen to your personal opinion. I will try to view things in your prospective.
Up until this point in my life I was very much influenced by other people's opinions.
"You want to go into Business? Yes, that's a great degree to have. Smart girl."
Maybe I don't want to go into Business. WHY do I want to go into Business? I can't even answer that question besides to say because it's safe.
Because so many people around me have encouraged me to take the safe route.
"You're going to stick around Milwaukee for a while? Yes, good. It's cheaper."
What if I want to try something new? WHY do I want to stay in Milwaukee? I can't answer this question either besides to say that it's safe. I am saving up some money and paying for my living expenses. I have old friends here. I can drive home and do laundry on the weekends. I can hug my mom whenever I want.
It's comfortable.
Don't get me wrong it's amazing to me that these people care enough about me and my well being to give me their opinions and I know they want what's best for me...
But what do I want?
I am a people-pleaser. For the most part I'm very laid back in decision making...whatever makes you happy I'll be glad to do! But what's left for me?
What's left for me when I go with what everyone else says, thinks, wants.
What do I think?
What do I want?
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
From Me to Me and Maybe You: A Little Advice
Dear Ann of today, tomorrow, and yesterday:
Remember to always smile. Even a fake one when you're upset can quickly turn real.
Remember that you have some really great people that love you. Everyone is human, so when expectations go wry, forgive. They are just like you.
Remember to listen. Sometimes the most meaningful thing you can give is your ears. Advice is not always needed.
Remember to be honest. Constantly remind yourself not to push your feelings aside or ignore instincts. Be honest about your feelings, hopes, dreams, hindrances, and the things that bother you. If you're centered around this then things will be easier. Relationships will grow and so will you.
Remember to try. Actively try to be better in every aspect of your life. Don't give into your laziness when you know you shouldn't. Soak up all the knowledge that you can. Keep your body, mind, and spirit in tip top shape...or at least try.
Remember to enjoy. There are so many good things in this world that are meant to be enjoyed. EMBRACE THEM! Music, food, conversations, cozy beds, the sky, clean laundry, laughter. Don't take these things for granted.
Remember to love. Love everyone and give everyone a chance. Give yourself to other people if you expect the same thing in return.
Remember your worth. You are great so act on it. Use your talents and improve upon your weaknesses.
Remember to have faith. Of course faith isn't easy, it's a leap. It's trust and hope in things we don't always understand. Have faith in humanity. Have faith in positivity. Have faith in the good in the world. Because at the end of the day if you're disappointed, at least you gave that.
Keep your chin high and your attitude higher.
Take each day one at a time and as it comes.
Sincerely,
Ann
Remember to always smile. Even a fake one when you're upset can quickly turn real.
Remember that you have some really great people that love you. Everyone is human, so when expectations go wry, forgive. They are just like you.
Remember to listen. Sometimes the most meaningful thing you can give is your ears. Advice is not always needed.
Remember to be honest. Constantly remind yourself not to push your feelings aside or ignore instincts. Be honest about your feelings, hopes, dreams, hindrances, and the things that bother you. If you're centered around this then things will be easier. Relationships will grow and so will you.
Remember to try. Actively try to be better in every aspect of your life. Don't give into your laziness when you know you shouldn't. Soak up all the knowledge that you can. Keep your body, mind, and spirit in tip top shape...or at least try.
Remember to enjoy. There are so many good things in this world that are meant to be enjoyed. EMBRACE THEM! Music, food, conversations, cozy beds, the sky, clean laundry, laughter. Don't take these things for granted.
Remember to love. Love everyone and give everyone a chance. Give yourself to other people if you expect the same thing in return.
Remember your worth. You are great so act on it. Use your talents and improve upon your weaknesses.
Remember to have faith. Of course faith isn't easy, it's a leap. It's trust and hope in things we don't always understand. Have faith in humanity. Have faith in positivity. Have faith in the good in the world. Because at the end of the day if you're disappointed, at least you gave that.
Keep your chin high and your attitude higher.
Take each day one at a time and as it comes.
Sincerely,
Ann
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Friends in Far Away Places
It seems that some of the people closest to my heart now live the farthest away from me. It isn't easy by any means to nourish relationships that you can't "touch." It's hard when instead of conversation over coffee, you're staring at someone you'd really like to hug through a computer screen. Instead of a walk or a shopping trip, there are just a few text messages or an occasional phone call.
I've been having a really difficult time lately finding the good in this. These people were placed in my life to shed such positive light. These few people have taught me the most, been there for me the most, loved me. Opening my hands and letting go of coffee dates and shopping trips is not easy.
Maybe that's one of the weirdest parts of growing up. So many friends go different ways. There is now so much less time to spend together. Responsibilities build barriers that aren't always easy to climb. I need to remind myself daily that it's just life! I still love them, they still love me. Things just seem to fold out differently as we grow.
I suppose I've got to remember that like myself, each of these special people has their own path. It's a blessing that our paths even crossed in the first place. I need to open my hands and heart and love what's best for the people I love. I guess now I have a few more reasons to travel!
I've been having a really difficult time lately finding the good in this. These people were placed in my life to shed such positive light. These few people have taught me the most, been there for me the most, loved me. Opening my hands and letting go of coffee dates and shopping trips is not easy.
Maybe that's one of the weirdest parts of growing up. So many friends go different ways. There is now so much less time to spend together. Responsibilities build barriers that aren't always easy to climb. I need to remind myself daily that it's just life! I still love them, they still love me. Things just seem to fold out differently as we grow.
I suppose I've got to remember that like myself, each of these special people has their own path. It's a blessing that our paths even crossed in the first place. I need to open my hands and heart and love what's best for the people I love. I guess now I have a few more reasons to travel!
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