21

Dear 21,

I see you standing, feet planted firmly in the soil of perfect mistakes. I look at you, though, and I wonder how you got so tall. When did you become so strong? Your path to a smile is so much clearer.
I see your tears for 3 year old scrapes and bruises.
I see your ugly sob for 16 year old breakups.
I can feel your heart murmur for 20 year old lost chances,
empty promises,
and realizations that not everything
                               is what it seems.

But I did not see your strength until now.
Everyday you were growing, changing.
You were walking along a path to make your pain productivity.

I look at you standing, 21, and I see your wisdom.
I see your simple joys.
I see your laugh in tears
and your steps in weakness.

I am so glad I know you, 21.
I can't wait to stand behind you
        and watch you walk to 83.

Don't Say You Didn't Hear It From Me

It's such a bizarre feeling knowing that less than a year ago I was 'craigslisting' constantly.  I had applied for an Americorps position in Los Angeles, California and was overly confident of the outcome.  Literally an hour at the least was spent every single day browsing studio apartments in West Hollywood.  Every apartment I pictured myself in. A new city, a new start, new friends, a new job-I could see it all. I even saw the pictures I wanted to hang in the yellow kitchen, or the curtain I would put up next to my bed to block it from the sofa that I do not yet own.  During these moments I had this feeling in my stomach...like 'Oh shit, I'm terrified' but 'I WANT TO GO NOW.'  I had this indescribable feeling of excitement for a completely new adventure.  I could physically feel it in my body.  When I found out in early June that I would not be leaving for L.A. come September because I did not get the volunteer position, I was devastated.  However, slowly, small signs seemed to creep their way into my daily life showing me that was not the path for me.  Not getting to start a new journey was a journey all its own and I would not give up the time I have been here with new friends and new surroundings in my old city.

With that, I will say that I am currently on a new apartment search.  Come the end of this semester, I will be relocating (for real this time!).  My best friend/roommate and I have decided to put all of our  things in a truck and drive to Austin, Texas to start a new life.  The people I have told thus far have given me mixed reactions.  Some of my best friends are excited for me, some are not.  This is why I want to explain to you, my friends, my decision.

Moving away is not an 'escape' from the current life I live.  Moving away is not a search for something perfect.  Moving away is the start of a new chapter...not something I need to do, something I want to do.  I am 21 years old and it is time for me to see the world.  It's time to get into some trouble somewhere else.  Austin, Texas has probably the most life I've ever seen in a city.  There are creative people everywhere, and for that I am so so excited.  You could ask me "why?" and to be honest I don't have a picture perfect answer to that question.  My best response would really be "why not?"  It's wonderful to have that same feeling in my body...to be so excited for a new journey.

If I come back with a southern accent don't make fun of me.

On Sixes and a Fresh Start

6 seconds from now my smile will continue to grow bigger as I watch sweet Joey (the boy I nanny for) spoon his macaroni into his mouth (kind of...distracted by the noisy iPad, he more often than not aims for his mouth but ends up at the nose or cheek).

6 minutes from now I'll be cleaning him up and taking him upstairs for his nap.  Before I put him down we get to sit down and read together-no distractions.  And then spend a few moments in silence together.  That is his time to calm down before he sleeps, but it's also the perfect reflection time for me as well.  I am so blessed to have such an amazing job and know such a wonderful family.

6 hours from now I will be in the midst of crazy, hostessing at the restaurant downtown on New Years Eve.  We have a busy night with reservations up the wazoo, but I am lucky enough to be able to stand next to my best friend and enjoy the night with her.

6 days from now is Sunday...Sundays are the best days.  Like, ever.  Theres something about them start to finish that is always perfectly pleasant.  Usually Emma wakes me up and we go get coffee.  The rest of the day spent cleaning, preparing for a new week and then relaxing while gathering with friends and watching football.  Sundays make me feel like the luckiest.

6 months from now marks one of the biggest changes of my life thus far.  June 1 is a completely new beginning for me... I will be packing my bags, my boxes, and my sanity and relocating with my best friend in Austin, Texas.  I am so sad to leave all the wonderful here in Milwaukee but am ready to take on a new city and new experiences.

2013 BRING IT ON

A Map of Me By Roads of You

It starts at innocence
Travel a few years north and stop;
you've reached
(vulnerability)
(experience)
(heartache)

Stand at the crossroads between 16 and happy
Really, when you didn't know, things were better.
Easier? Hardly.
Small pain felt bigger than your heart's wingspan
It could overflow down your cheeks.

But there stood so many bodies.
So many minds, hearts, souls, words;
all lined up on these roads.
You've picked some up, dropped some off.

Some remain with you.

Let them guide you, even on roads already traveled.
Treasure this piece of the journey.
Every piece.

On Tricking Yourself

Constantly I am wondering what could be or should be different.

When "it's just a joke" starts to lose it's luster.
     "You really shouldn't take everything so seriously you know."

There are times when I pause and catch your eye and your cheek bones raise; your eyes smile back but you don't know how much deeper it really goes.
The creative character that lives there makes me want to squeeze your hand.
I can see more than you think.

I am so easily taken back to exact sentences you spoke months ago.
It's hard not to be angry at hollow words.

I know what I want and I know what I feel but to listen is a whole different game.

We fit so well body to body, mouth to shoulder blade with eyes shut.
But when the sun comes up you're not there.

Don't Forget:

Just remember to fall in love with the world newly again each day.

Jumbled Thoughts on People and Today

Why are we always so eager to share?

Why are we always talking about ourselves?
Why are we constantly sharing things about our day with others?
Why are we writing posts on Facebook about our tiny irrelevant opinions?
Why do we "tweet" thoughts seconds after they cross our minds?
Why do we take pictures of what we are eating and post them on instagram?

What makes us think that we are so great, so worthy of the attention of others, that we are constantly letting people know what we are thinking and doing?

I sit here typing away and drinking my coffee only minutes after I browsed multiple social networks.
Is it habit?
Or is there really meaning there?

I am constantly struggling with this. I've deleted twitter and instagram both at least once.  The number of times I've gone back and forth with deactivating and activating my Facebook is almost sickening.  It's like I have all these thoughts in my head, but I'm not strong enough to overcome them...or something.  There's something so addicting with being in constant and complete touch with all others in my life, even distant people.  It's like a trashy celebrity gossip magazine so gladly read cover to cover.  I love seeing what other people are doing.  And for some reason I love sharing my life too- I'm doing so right now by giving my thoughts.

But where do we draw the line?
Where is privacy?
And is it only going to get worse?

Humble yourself. I sure am going to try.