Today I

Life lately has been awfully confusing.  I've been stuck between yesterday, today, and tomorrow and wondering what's next... wondering what I WANT to come next.

But today is monumental.
Since I have been feeling this way for quite some time, I haven't been able to paint.  It's almost as if I've had a fear of what would show up on the canvas if I even tried.  I'm still not feeling like I'm at my full potential, but if I don't at least TRY, how long will this continue?  My creativity coincides with everything else and I've been doing a lot of soul searching.

Today I face my fears and paint.
Today I work on this totally awesome commission piece for someone close.
Today I remain in bed for a couple more hours healing my sick body and tired mind.
Today I finish my iced venti americano and THEN run some errands.
Today I make a list of goals and to-do's.
Today I run fast and far and then vegetate in the sauna.
Today I remain calm because I'm not quite sure anyone else knows what they're doing either.

Tomorrow I meet with someone to change my major to art & design with a minor in business!
    (That is a huge load off my chest.)
Tomorrow I spend some time in the library because I WILL conquer my accounting class.
Tomorrow I will continue to carry out the small changes I am making to a happier me.

clarity

I feel incredibly blessed to be influenced by the opinions of my loved ones, but I think that it's time to make a change in my life.

Sure I'll gladly listen to your personal opinion.  I will try to view things in your prospective. 

Up until this point in my life I was very much influenced by other people's opinions. 
     "You want to go into Business? Yes, that's a great degree to have. Smart girl."
Maybe I don't want to go into Business.  WHY do I want to go into Business? I can't even answer that question besides to say because it's safe. 
Because so many people around me have encouraged me to take the safe route. 
     "You're going to stick around Milwaukee for a while? Yes, good. It's cheaper."
What if I want to try something new?  WHY do I want to stay in Milwaukee? I can't answer this question either besides to say that it's safe.  I am saving up some money and paying for my living expenses.  I have old friends here.  I can drive home and do laundry on the weekends.  I can hug my mom whenever I want.
It's comfortable. 

Don't get me wrong it's amazing to me that these people care enough about me and my well being to give me their opinions and I know they want what's best for me...

But what do I want?

I am a people-pleaser.  For the most part I'm very laid back in decision making...whatever makes you happy I'll be glad to do!  But what's left for me?

What's left for me when I go with what everyone else says, thinks, wants.
What do I think?
What do I want?

From Me to Me and Maybe You: A Little Advice

Dear Ann of today, tomorrow, and yesterday:

Remember to always smile. Even a fake one when you're upset can quickly turn real.
Remember that you have some really great people that love you. Everyone is human, so when expectations go wry, forgive. They are just like you.
Remember to listen. Sometimes the most meaningful thing you can give is your ears. Advice is not always needed.
Remember to be honest. Constantly remind yourself not to push your feelings aside or ignore instincts. Be honest about your feelings, hopes, dreams, hindrances, and the things that bother you. If you're centered around this then things will be easier. Relationships will grow and so will you.
Remember to try. Actively try to be better in every aspect of your life. Don't give into your laziness when you know you shouldn't. Soak up all the knowledge that you can. Keep your body, mind, and spirit in tip top shape...or at least try.
Remember to enjoy. There are so many good things in this world that are meant to be enjoyed. EMBRACE THEM! Music, food, conversations, cozy beds, the sky, clean laundry, laughter. Don't take these things for granted.
Remember to love. Love everyone and give everyone a chance. Give yourself to other people if you expect the same thing in return.
Remember your worth. You are great so act on it. Use your talents and improve upon your weaknesses.
Remember to have faith. Of course faith isn't easy, it's a leap. It's trust and hope in things we don't always understand. Have faith in humanity. Have faith in positivity. Have faith in the good in the world. Because at the end of the day if you're disappointed, at least you gave that.

Keep your chin high and your attitude higher.
Take each day one at a time and as it comes.


Sincerely,
Ann

Friends in Far Away Places

It seems that some of the people closest to my heart now live the farthest away from me.  It isn't easy by any means to nourish relationships that you can't "touch."  It's hard when instead of conversation over coffee, you're staring at someone you'd really like to hug through a computer screen.  Instead of a walk or a shopping trip, there are just a few text messages or an occasional phone call. 

I've been having a really difficult time lately finding the good in this.  These people were placed in my life to shed such positive light.  These few people have taught me the most, been there for me the most, loved me.  Opening my hands and letting go of coffee dates and shopping trips is not easy.

Maybe that's one of the weirdest parts of growing up.  So many friends go different ways.  There is now so much less time to spend together.  Responsibilities build barriers that aren't always easy to climb.  I need to remind myself daily that it's just life! I still love them, they still love me.  Things just seem to fold out differently as we grow.

I suppose I've got to remember that like myself, each of these special people has their own path.  It's a blessing that our paths even crossed in the first place.  I need to open my hands and heart and love what's best for the people I love. I guess now I have a few more reasons to travel!

f o r w a r d s

This year has brought so much.  New people were brought into my life and one close friend was taken to heaven.  I moved into my own house. I spent some time in some great places.  I was blessed with new families with new children to take care of.  I've come a long way as an artist. I learned and am still learning how to represent myself and reach for my goals.  I've realized how much the people dear to my heart mean to me, and learned to really treasure those relationships.


What's next?
I guess as a metaphoric new chapter begins, I'll take that opportunity to refocus my energy and set some goals for myself.  Let's make 2012 the best year yet.


Stop and smell the roses. I want to take more time each day to appreciate the little things around me.  This world is such an amazing place and I often times take it for granted.  There is so much beauty in life that deserves more attention. Pull over to look at the sky.  Play the song you really enjoyed one more time.  Listen to what someone is saying.  ENJOY the little things.


Take better care of myself. I want to present myself better because I do care about my own well being, and I think that that should show.  I should probably start brushing my hair... but that might be pushing it!  I want to really watch the food that I'm putting in my body and learn more about how it affects me.  I want to sweat.  I want to exercise more.  I want to be strong!


Explore new things. This year I would really like to go to Alaska.  But besides that I want to see new places that are around me.  There is so much in Milwaukee that I have yet to explore; so much ground in Wisconsin and the surrounding states that I have yet to walk on.


Step outside of my comfort zone. I want to volunteer.  I want to travel.  I want to meet new people. I want to push myself to do things that I am not necessarily comfortable with.  I want to try new things!

Soak up some knowledge. This semester in school I'd like to do better than I've ever done.  I'd like to push myself as far as I can go because I did exactly the opposite last semester.  I want to show myself that I am capable of doing well.  I'd also like to gain something from the thousands of dollars that I'm spilling out to the university.  This also means I'd like to read more; whether that be fictional books or articles on the internet... inform me!

Maintain and nurture relationships. There are some truly wonderful people in my life that I treasure.  I don't think that I tell these people enough how much they mean to me and I want to make that a goal to nurture them.  I want to reach out better to keep in touch with the friends that are distant when times are busy.  I want to stay surrounded by such great friends because they really do lift me up.


Be selfless. Quite honestly, I've struggled with being selfish my whole life. I suppose it's human nature to want what's best for yourself and that's not always a bad thing.  But this year I want to GIVE.  I want to give my time and helping hand to others.  I want to put people who need me at the top of my priorities--friends, loved ones, even people I don't know.  Love.

A New Kind of Christmas

Christmas is different this year... or maybe it's me that's different.  I think this was the first year since I can remember that it was actually hard to think of things to put on my Christmas list.
It's really not about gifts, is it?
Even if you don't have faith and you don't believe that it's a celebration of the Lord's birth (IT IS THOUGH), it still shouldn't be about gifts.

Sometimes December gets so stressful.
Buy the right gifts last minute, work through finals, fight a winter cold.
For me this year finals were pretty bad. I picked up double my normal work hours, came down with bronchitis, ran out of money, and struggled with car problems.  In the midst of it all I am guilty to say I got caught up in the bad.  I found myself thinking this is the worst time of the year, but it's really not!

So what's it about?
Why are we letting ourselves get so stressed this time of the year (or maybe it's just me...)?
Seriously, take that struggle as a blessing.  How good does it feel to be done with school and done with all of that and knowing that this weekend will bring family, friends, laughter, food, a warm home, MAYBE SNOW?

Christmas is truly an amazing time.  I get to be around all the people that I love more than anything and just relax.  After going, going, going for weeks I finally get to sit back and enjoy the little things.
Eggnog, logs in the fireplace, warm blankets, Packer game, amazing meals, good conversation.
Why do presents get to play a role at all?! To me that is so not fair that it takes away from the appreciation of the truly good stuff. But I suppose it is fun to give and watch eyes light up.

Here's a taste of my Christmas:

caught in a wasted state of mind

Sometimes it's scary up there in your own head.

Who am I? What do I want? Where am I going? Why do I feel this way? What is right for me?  What's right for everyone else around me? Am I making the right decisions? 

I'm a thinker.  An emotional soul.
No part of my heart or brain let's me sneak past anything without deep thought and consideration. 
I analyze my own thoughts and every thought that is given to me from others. 
Maybe that complicates my life, but maybe it makes it more beautiful (there I go analyzing). 

It's pretty jumbled in my head...
Sometimes I wish I could let someone else take a look.  Lots of words.  Some tears, some smiles.  Feelings.  Thoughts. QUESTIONS.
Is there a right way to sort it all out?  Or am I supposed to just let it be?
Do I leave my questions unanswered and just go with it?  Is everyone else as jumbled as I am, they just don't let it bother them?

Maybe I just need to learn to ride the wave and calm down.
Let go, Jump in.